For a long time, I used to wonder why no matter how hard I tried, there were some things I couldn’t seem to get off the ground even though I wanted to. In theory I knew how important being focused was yet I could only apply it to some areas of my life. I thought outside distractions were my only problems and that I would be fine if I could shut out outside noise.
Over the last couple of years, I came to the realisation that I was going about things the wrong way round. I was trying to focus on my actions first without dealing with the negative chatter in my head courtesy of my gremlin.
Once I started looking deep within, I realised that staying on course to consistently achieve what I want can only happen when I believe that I can. It didn’t matter how many people reminded me of my capabilities if I doubted them. You might be wondering what this has to do with focus – everything.
I now have a totally different approach to how to stay focused which I’ll now share with you.
But before we go any further, this isn’t a post to skim read whilst you’re busy doing something else. That would totally defeat the purpose. If necessary, save this page then come back to it when you are ready to do some self-reflection without interruptions. Schedule 30 minutes for it – as a matter of priority. You would need a journal and pen. Put your electronic gadgets away.
Now you are ready to begin.
You would ask yourself some questions and be 100% honest with your answers. Remember that your journal is a non-judgemental confidant.
Focus by Cameron Ballard, Unsplash
1. Identity
Who do you think you are?
I promise you that is NOT a challenging question. It is a probing one for you to articulate how you view the essence of who you are. In general terms, people tend to identify themselves through the lenses of roles, responsibilities and functions. This is not necessarily a bad thing when life is smooth sailing. However, cancer disrupts and roles change. This can cause you to be shaky about who you are. The natural tendency is to avoid such introspection. I encourage you to lean into it. Write down whatever comes to mind, don’t overthink it.
Example: are you a friend, mother, sister, executive, businesswoman etc?
2. Self-image
What do you see when you look in the mirror? What do you think of the person staring back at you? It is fair to say that most cancer treatments leave marks on you be it physical or psychological. These would shape how you see yourself even if you were previously 100% body confident.
Example: In the first few months after my mastectomy, all I could see were my scars showing how much my body had changed. For as long as I saw them as messy and unsightly, I felt ugly. This battered my self-esteem until I went to speak to a therapist. I then reframed them as marks that show what I have lived through and came out on the other side thriving. Now I speak words of affirmation to myself.
3. Self-worth
What do you believe you deserve and are worthy of? This is one of those questions that you should ask yourself on a regular basis. A traumatic experience like cancer diagnosis shatters your life and you’re left picking up the pieces. In the first few months, getting through treatment feels like a herculean task. Do you believe you are worthy of being loved and pampered? OR Do you feel like you are being a burden on your loved ones?
Whichever answer you choose would determine what you ask or settle for.
Example: Before my multiple surgeries, I used to feel like I was a burden whenever I asked for help as a single parent. I didn’t feel worthy of being cared for. This became a huge stumbling block as I felt even more miserable whenever I needed support. With the help of truth tellers, I learnt how to accept assistance with grace and speak to myself as I would to someone I love.
4. Self-confidence
What are you capable of? What do you think of what you have done?
The side effects and long-term impact of treatment are widely varied. Whilst there are commonalities like fatigue, pain, impaired memory to name a few – the ways these manifest and length of time differ from one person to the other.
It is vital to be candid about what you can do without comparing your experience to that of someone else who appears to have had exactly the same diagnosis.
Example: I remember immediately after my breast cancer diagnosis, I told my nurse that I would love to try a marathon in 5 years. She smiled and told me to take things step by step. That idea came from some of the blogs of thrivers that I had read who went on to do similar things raising money for charities after cancer diagnosis. The truth was and still is, I have never liked running. 7 years on with osteoarthritis in both hips as a result of medication, I have zero interest in running a marathon in the near future. However, walking for over 2 hours makes me happy on days I can do that. This along with other exercises that I can do – improves my fitness which is my aim.
Being aware of negative self-talk is vital, after all, whatever you focus on shapes your life, what you do, what you say Yes or No to.
Once you are done, replace the negative statements you have made about yourself with positive ones.
This is NOT about being delusional or living in denial. Rather it is about building yourself up within so that you focus on what serves the thriving future you desire.
You are worthy of love.
You are unique.
It is okay to want more and celebrate your victories.
You’ve got this.