There is no doubt that every loved one of cancer patient starts out with a whole lot of questions, especially when it comes to what your life is supposed to be like in the aftermath of diagnosis. The problem is, without the right answers, people in these shoes throw up their hands and resign themselves to a future of mere survival.
The good news is that here are 5 secrets every loved one of cancer patients needs to know so you can begin the journey to a more fulfilled life.
One thing with we can all agree on is that when it comes to the aftermath of cancer diagnosis, there is a big focus on survival rates, survivor stories and so on. There are concrete reasons why this is the case not least because survival is no mean feat itself given how devastating the impact of cancer can be. Unfortunately, it can be easy for many to lose sight of two things namely: what is meant to be a bus stop becomes a permanent destination for many and the impact on loved ones are not well-understood.
Having been both a loved one as well as a cancer patient myself, I can assure you that a life of mere survival is costly for all impacted by diagnosis. As a loved one, you deserve to know how this concerns you so that you can choose differently.
- Loss of hope of a better life
As a loved one, choosing mere survival keeps you stuck in the mundane routines of supporting the cancer patient through the roller coaster ride of treatment, side effects and medical decisions. Because diagnosis has blown apart your well-laid-out life plans, a sole focus on the practical support and caring duties leaves you without the motivation to see anything better on the horizon. This is a disservice to you, the patient and others around you.
You must believe a better life is possible by acknowledging your current mindset. Then you can take steps to change it.
- Lack of fulfilment in life
Routines and practicalities can only take you so far. At some point, there would be a yearning in your heart for what kind of life you genuinely want. Given that the main part of cancer treatments takes an average between 6 and 12 months; that’s a significant length of time to be getting by especially if you are normally someone who is goal oriented. Before you turn around, you can look back at the last year or so of your life and feel robbed by cancer because you are not living a fulfilled life. That is not a pleasant place to be at all.
Rather than focus on what you have lost, why not explore what you do have within the constraints of your life at present.
- Discouragement
It is critical to remember that the loss of enthusiasm is often something that builds up over time. When the life that you planned is swept aside and you feel out of control, it can initially seem easier to stay practical.
Keeping to the duties that fit within your new normal can give the illusion of taking charge of your own life. However, if you are not excited about the prospect of audacious goals or dreams that you might have had in the past, discouragement has come to pay you a visit. It is up to you how long that visit would be for.
In this instance, it is crucial for you to be vigilant about the impact of discouragement on your wellbeing. Find out whether there are things that you used to enjoy that can give you the mental boost you need. However, if nothing seems to do the trick, it might be a good idea to speak to your GP.
4. Resentment
This is one of the hardest truths to deal with as it challenges you to be honest about your feelings in a way that most people are conditioned to deny or ignore. As a loved one, if you choose survival as your only mode of existence, it is only a matter of time before you start feeling resentful.
Whether you have silenced your desires or chaffing at the extra responsibilities that you now have because of cancer; the negative feelings are not what you would want to admit to. This is because no one likes the guilt or shame that often accompany resentment.
The best way to counteract this one is to be honest with yourself about how you feel. Let us be clear, these feelings do not make you a bad person neither do they mean you love the patient any less. Do not let anyone guilt-trip you for what is a normal human reaction to stressful events.
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5. Regret about missed opportunities
This is perhaps the ultimate cost of being in survival mode, but it often takes a long while to unfold. As I alluded to earlier, cancer treatments and the unpleasant side effects take considerable time. The expending of your most valuable resource in order to support the one you love can be a wonderful or rewarding experience if stewarded well.
Time, however, does not stand still. One of the things that can happen whilst supporting a loved one through cancer is that it can be all-consuming, crowding out every other thing that made your life meaningful. These are things to pay attention to so that you are not full of regrets in the years to come. This can be with respect to the cancer patient OR things that have nothing to do with them.
In looking after a loved one especially with terminal prognosis, do not assume what the other person is thinking. Have the meaningful conversations even if sometimes uncomfortable. In years to come, you would be glad that nothing important was left unsaid.
As much as you possibly can, make time for other nurturing relationships in your life. By this I mean, good friends and activities that bring you joy. Even if you are a full-time caregiver of a patient, it is okay for you to have a breather for a couple of hours per day. That would ease the pressure on your mental wellbeing as well as ensure you do not later harbour regrets for missed opportunities.
You deserve to live well as a loved one. Do not let circumstances rob you of that.
By the way, if you want a whole lot more about moving beyond survival, subscribe to the Be Inspired Newsletter Community. When you join, you will receive a free eBook: 7 ways to know you are and survival mode and what to do about it.
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