by Bami | Feb 25, 2022 | Uncategorized
The overwhelm after cancer diagnosis is real as any cancer patient or ex-patient can attest to. However, it doesn’t have to crush you.
If you’re serious about wanting to thrive without overwhelm, here are 6 steps that would help.
During times of overwhelm, it can seem that the last thing you need is any talk of focus after all, the feeling of being snowed under by different challenges is real. Picture a house falling on top of you and trying to dig your way out from underneath the rubble. I can totally relate.
Even years after breast cancer diagnosis and multiple surgeries, I have gone through periods when the late effects of treatment and medication have felt like an avalanche of issues. I have found that digging my way through difficulties did not happen overnight as there is no magic bullet.
With support and resolve, I discovered that if I didn’t choose my focus when overwhelmed, nothing changes mentally, physically or emotionally.
The same is true for you.
The good news is that you can regain a sense of calm and semblance of order as you navigate your way to a thriving future.
Use the steps below as often as you need to. Write them down in your journal for future reference.
Step # 1 – Acknowledge the sources of the overwhelm
- Identify the things you find challenging at present.
- Make a list of all the difficulties that are causing you to feel overwhelmed.
Blue sky by Masaaki Komori Unsplash
Step # 2 – Ditch pretense of any kind
- Set aside the need to pretend that all is okay.
- Living with a mask on is exhausting.
Step # 3 – Number your list in order of importance to you
- There are often many things resulting in overwhelm.
- Prioritising in order of importance frees you to tackle ONE thing at a time.
- Finish one thing before going on to another.
Step # 4 – Don’t use someone else’s yardstick to assess yourself
- Your journey is different to others even if diagnosis is the same.
- The opinion of others can become a prison if you have different ideas.
Step # 5 – Take inventory of your community
- Assess the kinds of people in your close circle.
- Choose truth tellers who would support, love you and believe in who you are becoming not who you used to be.
- Ask for support and accountability.
- Seek professional help as often as required.
Step # 6 – Believe in yourself
- What you think of and about yourself matters.
- Believe that you have the strength, courage and resilience to thrive with support.
My suggestion to you now is to schedule distraction-free time to tackle overwhelm and focus on what truly matters to you.
Hey, by the way, if you really want to your own map for thriving after cancer, my book, Navigating Your New Normal is a good map to start with. Get your copy at: https://amzn.to/3IDV3GV
by Bami | Feb 10, 2022 | Uncategorized
For a long time, I used to wonder why no matter how hard I tried, there were some things I couldn’t seem to get off the ground even though I wanted to. In theory I knew how important being focused was yet I could only apply it to some areas of my life. I thought outside distractions were my only problems and that I would be fine if I could shut out outside noise.
Over the last couple of years, I came to the realisation that I was going about things the wrong way round. I was trying to focus on my actions first without dealing with the negative chatter in my head courtesy of my gremlin.
Once I started looking deep within, I realised that staying on course to consistently achieve what I want can only happen when I believe that I can. It didn’t matter how many people reminded me of my capabilities if I doubted them. You might be wondering what this has to do with focus – everything.
I now have a totally different approach to how to stay focused which I’ll now share with you.
But before we go any further, this isn’t a post to skim read whilst you’re busy doing something else. That would totally defeat the purpose. If necessary, save this page then come back to it when you are ready to do some self-reflection without interruptions. Schedule 30 minutes for it – as a matter of priority. You would need a journal and pen. Put your electronic gadgets away.
Now you are ready to begin.
You would ask yourself some questions and be 100% honest with your answers. Remember that your journal is a non-judgemental confidant.
Focus by Cameron Ballard, Unsplash
1. Identity
Who do you think you are?
I promise you that is NOT a challenging question. It is a probing one for you to articulate how you view the essence of who you are. In general terms, people tend to identify themselves through the lenses of roles, responsibilities and functions. This is not necessarily a bad thing when life is smooth sailing. However, cancer disrupts and roles change. This can cause you to be shaky about who you are. The natural tendency is to avoid such introspection. I encourage you to lean into it. Write down whatever comes to mind, don’t overthink it.
Example: are you a friend, mother, sister, executive, businesswoman etc?
2. Self-image
What do you see when you look in the mirror? What do you think of the person staring back at you? It is fair to say that most cancer treatments leave marks on you be it physical or psychological. These would shape how you see yourself even if you were previously 100% body confident.
Example: In the first few months after my mastectomy, all I could see were my scars showing how much my body had changed. For as long as I saw them as messy and unsightly, I felt ugly. This battered my self-esteem until I went to speak to a therapist. I then reframed them as marks that show what I have lived through and came out on the other side thriving. Now I speak words of affirmation to myself.
3. Self-worth
What do you believe you deserve and are worthy of? This is one of those questions that you should ask yourself on a regular basis. A traumatic experience like cancer diagnosis shatters your life and you’re left picking up the pieces. In the first few months, getting through treatment feels like a herculean task. Do you believe you are worthy of being loved and pampered? OR Do you feel like you are being a burden on your loved ones?
Whichever answer you choose would determine what you ask or settle for.
Example: Before my multiple surgeries, I used to feel like I was a burden whenever I asked for help as a single parent. I didn’t feel worthy of being cared for. This became a huge stumbling block as I felt even more miserable whenever I needed support. With the help of truth tellers, I learnt how to accept assistance with grace and speak to myself as I would to someone I love.
4. Self-confidence
What are you capable of? What do you think of what you have done?
The side effects and long-term impact of treatment are widely varied. Whilst there are commonalities like fatigue, pain, impaired memory to name a few – the ways these manifest and length of time differ from one person to the other.
It is vital to be candid about what you can do without comparing your experience to that of someone else who appears to have had exactly the same diagnosis.
Example: I remember immediately after my breast cancer diagnosis, I told my nurse that I would love to try a marathon in 5 years. She smiled and told me to take things step by step. That idea came from some of the blogs of thrivers that I had read who went on to do similar things raising money for charities after cancer diagnosis. The truth was and still is, I have never liked running. 7 years on with osteoarthritis in both hips as a result of medication, I have zero interest in running a marathon in the near future. However, walking for over 2 hours makes me happy on days I can do that. This along with other exercises that I can do – improves my fitness which is my aim.
Being aware of negative self-talk is vital, after all, whatever you focus on shapes your life, what you do, what you say Yes or No to.
Once you are done, replace the negative statements you have made about yourself with positive ones.
This is NOT about being delusional or living in denial. Rather it is about building yourself up within so that you focus on what serves the thriving future you desire.
You are worthy of love.
You are unique.
It is okay to want more and celebrate your victories.
You’ve got this.
by Bami | Jan 26, 2022 | Uncategorized
Treasured memories
Exactly 5 years ago, I ran out of time with one of the most important people in my life – my big sister, Titi. Losing her to metastatic breast cancer rocked our world as a family.
For me personally, losing her was the biggest fear I had because I simply couldn’t see through to a future without her. When the very thing you feared the most happens, it forces you to dig deep within to find out what anchors you. My faith in God was what ensured I was tethered to hope even in those early dark days. I knew there was no use pretending that I could handle my raging emotions on my own. Therapeutic support through Maggie’s Cancer Centres and a strong community were my lifelines.
Over these few years, I have learnt so much about myself, others and what I am truly made of. This was not my first rodeo with family loss – having lost my mum at the age of 17 – but this hit differently as it came at a time of deciding to stop hiding my light.
I have written before about grief being the unwanted permanent lodger. The immediacy of loss is one of the dark threads woven into the tapestry of life. One thing I have come to realise though is that interwoven with the dark are also bright threads – these together show off the beauty of the whole picture over time. Cancer is a rogue for certain, one I wished had never touched my life and that of my family in any way. However, accepting what I had no control over has made clear that there are things I have the power to change.
I am choosing to make a positive difference daily. Whether this is speaking on behalf of patients who cannot speak for themselves; teaching medical professionals, helping women thrive after cancer, facilitating open conversations in my community or tackling health inequities head on – I am taking ownership of my response.
To be very clear, the pain of loss is one that I would always carry with me but I can smile through my tears, grateful for the laughter, joy and beautiful memories – treasures that are now mine for keeps.
Today, I get the opportunity to share my story and lessons with healthcare professionals on the Understanding Cancer Care Module at Cardiff University. The title of my talk is: “I am here to make things better”.
To me, this is a fitting tribute to both my sister and mum, ensuring that the experiences and outcomes of other cancer patients are improved.
That is a privilege I don’t take lightly at all.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss Titi.
Indeed, she would never be forgotten. My first book, Navigating Your New is dedicated to her.
Get your copy at https://amzn.to/3IDV3GV
If your life has been touched by grief especially as a result of cancer, know that you don’t have to suffer in silence. Get help and support as often as you need through the messy process. How you deal with the pain of loss is not prescriptive – it is unique to you. Avoid the pitfall of comparing your journey to that of someone else. With a supportive community around you, the pain would ease in time.
Breathe and take one day at a time.
You’ve got this.
by Bami | Jan 12, 2022 | Uncategorized
With January well underway, how are you feeling about 2022 and what it has in store for you?
If you are like most, you would have started the year with the hope that the disruption and uncertainty of Covid-19 would fade away as soon as possible.
Over the last couple of years, New Year resolutions have got a bad rap as most are abandoned within the first 3 weeks of January. Instead, the advice is that you choose goals that are sustainable and you are more likely to stick with in the long run. When you have been through a traumatic experience like cancer diagnosis, some of these “words of wisdom” represent a reality that you can no longer relate to.
I totally get it. Dealing with the cancer new normal is a journey that can often throw curveballs when you least expect. Let’s try a different approach.
Where are you headed this year and why? Yes, I know that’s one of those questions that someone asks and you feel like a deer caught in the headlights. No need to panic. Breathe…
One of the best pieces of advice I have received over the last few years is to start with the end in mind. By that I mean 31st December 2022. What are the things you want to have done or made room for by that date? If that’s too daunting or scary because of your current prognosis, replace the date with a more manageable one like 31st March 2022 (end of the first quarter). Starting with the premise that you want to thrive this year, you have to get a sense of your direction and desire.
At the start of any journey, it is important to know where you want to end up even though you have never been there before. This is why maps and navigational systems have been in use for millennia ensuring that in spite of adverse weather conditions people can re-route and find their way back to their desired destinations. How does this apply to your situation in practical terms?
Before you start, you need a journal as a reflective tool. Whether you use pen and paper (my personal preference) or an electronic device, ensure that you will not be distracted for at least half an hour.
Desire: your internal compass for thriving
When it comes to figuring out what kind of year you want, direction and desire are interwoven. Going back to the earlier question, for each area of your life, write down TWO things each that you want to have done or made time for by the date you have set. The different areas would include personal, professional, wellbeing and so on depending on the categories that you choose for your life. The point to bear in mind is not to neglect any part of your life. Don’t take too long on this part of the exercise – no more than 10 minutes.
To be clear, this is not an easy exercise to do and here’s why. When the chaos of cancer disrupts your life, it forces you to reassess what is important and what is not. The toll it takes on your body and mind can also temporarily rob you of your dreams. It can then be easy to slip into making do and not asking for too much of life. That is the definition of mere survival – a bland, colourless and dreary existence.
That is meant to be a bus stop. Don’t make it your destination!
The reality of life is that you can either live by default or intention. Going back to the journey analogy, imagine taking a boat out to sail without having any destination in mind. It is fair to say that the vessel would be at the mercy of the prevailing winds and currents. Before too long, it would be drifting aimlessly tossed every which way – an unsatisfactory place to be.
Looking at the list you have written, ask yourself another question: have these been shaped by outside circumstances OR your true desires ? If the answer is the former, ask yourself, “would I be happy if I stick with this list as it is?” If the answer is no, you can change and it is up to you to do so.
In order to get to a destination that is fulfilling, it is vital for you to be guided by the internal compass of what you desire. This is so important in the uncertain days that we are living in. There are paths that are okay for others but may be totally unsuitable for you. When there are multiple options to choose from, knowing what you truly want takes the stress out of decision-making.
The thing with outward circumstances or prevailing winds is that they are subject to change with little or no notice. The internal compass of what you truly desire is the best guide to keep you on course towards a thriving future.
That is the destination to aim for in 2022.
by Bami | Feb 5, 2021 | Uncategorized
There is no doubt that every loved one of cancer patient starts out with a whole lot of questions, especially when it comes to what your life is supposed to be like in the aftermath of diagnosis. The problem is, without the right answers, people in these shoes throw up their hands and resign themselves to a future of mere survival.
The good news is that here are 5 secrets every loved one of cancer patients needs to know so you can begin the journey to a more fulfilled life.
One thing with we can all agree on is that when it comes to the aftermath of cancer diagnosis, there is a big focus on survival rates, survivor stories and so on. There are concrete reasons why this is the case not least because survival is no mean feat itself given how devastating the impact of cancer can be. Unfortunately, it can be easy for many to lose sight of two things namely: what is meant to be a bus stop becomes a permanent destination for many and the impact on loved ones are not well-understood.
Having been both a loved one as well as a cancer patient myself, I can assure you that a life of mere survival is costly for all impacted by diagnosis. As a loved one, you deserve to know how this concerns you so that you can choose differently.
- Loss of hope of a better life
As a loved one, choosing mere survival keeps you stuck in the mundane routines of supporting the cancer patient through the roller coaster ride of treatment, side effects and medical decisions. Because diagnosis has blown apart your well-laid-out life plans, a sole focus on the practical support and caring duties leaves you without the motivation to see anything better on the horizon. This is a disservice to you, the patient and others around you.
You must believe a better life is possible by acknowledging your current mindset. Then you can take steps to change it.
- Lack of fulfilment in life
Routines and practicalities can only take you so far. At some point, there would be a yearning in your heart for what kind of life you genuinely want. Given that the main part of cancer treatments takes an average between 6 and 12 months; that’s a significant length of time to be getting by especially if you are normally someone who is goal oriented. Before you turn around, you can look back at the last year or so of your life and feel robbed by cancer because you are not living a fulfilled life. That is not a pleasant place to be at all.
Rather than focus on what you have lost, why not explore what you do have within the constraints of your life at present.
- Discouragement
It is critical to remember that the loss of enthusiasm is often something that builds up over time. When the life that you planned is swept aside and you feel out of control, it can initially seem easier to stay practical.
Keeping to the duties that fit within your new normal can give the illusion of taking charge of your own life. However, if you are not excited about the prospect of audacious goals or dreams that you might have had in the past, discouragement has come to pay you a visit. It is up to you how long that visit would be for.
In this instance, it is crucial for you to be vigilant about the impact of discouragement on your wellbeing. Find out whether there are things that you used to enjoy that can give you the mental boost you need. However, if nothing seems to do the trick, it might be a good idea to speak to your GP.
4. Resentment
This is one of the hardest truths to deal with as it challenges you to be honest about your feelings in a way that most people are conditioned to deny or ignore. As a loved one, if you choose survival as your only mode of existence, it is only a matter of time before you start feeling resentful.
Whether you have silenced your desires or chaffing at the extra responsibilities that you now have because of cancer; the negative feelings are not what you would want to admit to. This is because no one likes the guilt or shame that often accompany resentment.
The best way to counteract this one is to be honest with yourself about how you feel. Let us be clear, these feelings do not make you a bad person neither do they mean you love the patient any less. Do not let anyone guilt-trip you for what is a normal human reaction to stressful events.
Photo by Vodimguzhva from Getty Images
5. Regret about missed opportunities
This is perhaps the ultimate cost of being in survival mode, but it often takes a long while to unfold. As I alluded to earlier, cancer treatments and the unpleasant side effects take considerable time. The expending of your most valuable resource in order to support the one you love can be a wonderful or rewarding experience if stewarded well.
Time, however, does not stand still. One of the things that can happen whilst supporting a loved one through cancer is that it can be all-consuming, crowding out every other thing that made your life meaningful. These are things to pay attention to so that you are not full of regrets in the years to come. This can be with respect to the cancer patient OR things that have nothing to do with them.
In looking after a loved one especially with terminal prognosis, do not assume what the other person is thinking. Have the meaningful conversations even if sometimes uncomfortable. In years to come, you would be glad that nothing important was left unsaid.
As much as you possibly can, make time for other nurturing relationships in your life. By this I mean, good friends and activities that bring you joy. Even if you are a full-time caregiver of a patient, it is okay for you to have a breather for a couple of hours per day. That would ease the pressure on your mental wellbeing as well as ensure you do not later harbour regrets for missed opportunities.
You deserve to live well as a loved one. Do not let circumstances rob you of that.
By the way, if you want a whole lot more about moving beyond survival, subscribe to the Be Inspired Newsletter Community. When you join, you will receive a free eBook: 7 ways to know you are and survival mode and what to do about it.
Find out more at: www.inspiredtosoar.co.uk
by Bami | Jan 6, 2021 | Uncategorized
Given the trajectory of 2020, majority of people were keen for the year to end for well-justified reasons. The chaos that the Covid-19 pandemic threw our world into was of the kind of magnitude we never expected.
For those impacted by cancer, it was a double whammy of stress that led to later diagnoses, disrupted treatments and isolation. The start of this year is has been welcomed with cautious optimism and hope of better living conditions as well as restoration of some of the things we took for granted.
Indeed, 2021 is a fresh canvas, a new beginning for all.
The truth though is that in similar ways to years gone by, wishful thinking is of no use to anyone. There needs to be planning backed by the right mindset if this would be a fulfilling new year.
No matter how cancer has impacted your life or that of a loved one; a satisfying life is one that you make room for not only with words but with reciprocal action too.
Sunrise by Jessica Ruscello – Unsplash
Here are a few pointers that are crucial if you want 2021 to be the kind of life that you desire:
- The power of a positive mindset
No matter where you are in your cancer new normal, it is important to know that the past is a place to learn from not where to put your focus. Despite the prognosis, treatment journey or mishaps in times past; 2021 offers a clean slate. You get to write on it what you genuinely want, and this begins with the kind of mindset you choose daily. Whilst you might have no control over some parts of the clinical journey, the thoughts you dwell upon as well as what you feed on are entirely your choice. I can tell you from experience that even in the darkest of times when I was faced with the loss of a loved one, that still holds true. My choice to recognise that it was a process that I can get journey through well with support was a game-changer
- The importance of a plan for fulfilment
What represents fulfilment and a satisfactory life varies from one person to the next. It is important for you to know what matters to you and write it down. You might be wondering why this is necessary after all, you might have seemingly simple wishes. As you have already figured out by now, the cancer journey is neither predictable nor fair whatever the measure you choose.
Your resolve to be positive, strong and hopeful would be tested to the limits. Not all days would be like that though. Be wise with the times when you are in a good space mentally and emotionally. Those are the moments to think carefully about what kind of future you want and steps you can take to get there. For example, if creating special memories with your loved ones matter to you, then make plans to do something about it. In these days of restrictions or lockdown, that might be a Zoom party to connect with your loved ones. The important thing is to start with what you have rather than bemoan what you do not.
- The place of self-care
Have you ever wondered why there are so many reminders for self-care including this current one? A Google search for the word would yield enough results to make your head spin. Here is the crux of the matter, in times of crisis, prioritising every aspect of your wellbeing often drops off the priority list due to other things competing for your attention. Physical health is given prime attention as it is seen as the most important one to address. That is a grievous mistake to make. Mental, emotional and psychological wellbeing are just as important – after all a deficit in any of those areas harms physical health too.
Tomatoes by Max Delsid Unsplash
As you make plans to look after your physical health, make concrete plans to nurture other parts of your wellbeing as they all form part of the whole you. The reality of mental and emotional health struggles after diagnosis is very real. No one is exempt – whether you are a patient, ex-patient or loved one; look after yourself and do not be ashamed to ask for help if you need to. My favourite mantra is “asking for help is a sign of strength not of weakness”.
Be it professional help or your closest and dearest; find those with empathy to support you along the journey. That would lighten the load and help you to treasure the new beginning that each day in 2021 gives you. And so, you should because it is a precious gift indeed.
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