by Bami | Jan 6, 2021 | Uncategorized
Given the trajectory of 2020, majority of people were keen for the year to end for well-justified reasons. The chaos that the Covid-19 pandemic threw our world into was of the kind of magnitude we never expected.
For those impacted by cancer, it was a double whammy of stress that led to later diagnoses, disrupted treatments and isolation. The start of this year is has been welcomed with cautious optimism and hope of better living conditions as well as restoration of some of the things we took for granted.
Indeed, 2021 is a fresh canvas, a new beginning for all.
The truth though is that in similar ways to years gone by, wishful thinking is of no use to anyone. There needs to be planning backed by the right mindset if this would be a fulfilling new year.
No matter how cancer has impacted your life or that of a loved one; a satisfying life is one that you make room for not only with words but with reciprocal action too.
Sunrise by Jessica Ruscello – Unsplash
Here are a few pointers that are crucial if you want 2021 to be the kind of life that you desire:
- The power of a positive mindset
No matter where you are in your cancer new normal, it is important to know that the past is a place to learn from not where to put your focus. Despite the prognosis, treatment journey or mishaps in times past; 2021 offers a clean slate. You get to write on it what you genuinely want, and this begins with the kind of mindset you choose daily. Whilst you might have no control over some parts of the clinical journey, the thoughts you dwell upon as well as what you feed on are entirely your choice. I can tell you from experience that even in the darkest of times when I was faced with the loss of a loved one, that still holds true. My choice to recognise that it was a process that I can get journey through well with support was a game-changer
- The importance of a plan for fulfilment
What represents fulfilment and a satisfactory life varies from one person to the next. It is important for you to know what matters to you and write it down. You might be wondering why this is necessary after all, you might have seemingly simple wishes. As you have already figured out by now, the cancer journey is neither predictable nor fair whatever the measure you choose.
Your resolve to be positive, strong and hopeful would be tested to the limits. Not all days would be like that though. Be wise with the times when you are in a good space mentally and emotionally. Those are the moments to think carefully about what kind of future you want and steps you can take to get there. For example, if creating special memories with your loved ones matter to you, then make plans to do something about it. In these days of restrictions or lockdown, that might be a Zoom party to connect with your loved ones. The important thing is to start with what you have rather than bemoan what you do not.
- The place of self-care
Have you ever wondered why there are so many reminders for self-care including this current one? A Google search for the word would yield enough results to make your head spin. Here is the crux of the matter, in times of crisis, prioritising every aspect of your wellbeing often drops off the priority list due to other things competing for your attention. Physical health is given prime attention as it is seen as the most important one to address. That is a grievous mistake to make. Mental, emotional and psychological wellbeing are just as important – after all a deficit in any of those areas harms physical health too.
Tomatoes by Max Delsid Unsplash
As you make plans to look after your physical health, make concrete plans to nurture other parts of your wellbeing as they all form part of the whole you. The reality of mental and emotional health struggles after diagnosis is very real. No one is exempt – whether you are a patient, ex-patient or loved one; look after yourself and do not be ashamed to ask for help if you need to. My favourite mantra is “asking for help is a sign of strength not of weakness”.
Be it professional help or your closest and dearest; find those with empathy to support you along the journey. That would lighten the load and help you to treasure the new beginning that each day in 2021 gives you. And so, you should because it is a precious gift indeed.
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by Bami | Sep 4, 2020 | Uncategorized
If someone were to ask you to mention the first few words that come to mind after cancer diagnosis, it is fair to say that soaring would not feature at all. Words like: shock, devastation and sadness would be the usual suspects as they should.
There’s no denying that the disruption caused to patients and loved ones alike can be quite difficult as nothing prepares you for the chaos that ensues. The journey that follows is one that is unpredictable at best and harrowing at worst for all those involved. Cancer doesn’t invade in isolation, it has a major impact on all those who are connected to the patient.
With a lot of things out of control, it is crucial to remember that your response however is solely your choice. Whilst there is no sugar-coating the seriousness of the situation, your perspective shapes how you journey through your life as you now know it. Even though the thought of a vastly-different life to that which you envisaged is hard, acknowledging and accepting that is crucial to moving forward in a positive way.
People affected by cancer react in mainly two ways: either they are victims of circumstances or victors who push through difficulties with a great attitude. The latter group are those who refuse to be best friends with despair knowing that it has nothing good to offer.
Soaring in this context is choosing to have a higher perspective without being in denial of what is going on. Being fully aware of the current facts is important so that you know exactly the areas of life in which initial adjustments need to be made. That is the wise thing to do. From that point on, there are a few obstacles to rising above your circumstances that you need to be aware of.
Soaring eagle by Mathew Schwartz of Unsplash
- Disappointment
It is human to feel let down and discouraged when life doesn’t turn out the way you expected it to be. In the case of cancer, this can run deep as it forces you to confront your own mortality or that of a loved one. The feelings of being robbed of opportunities to execute well-laid plans which have now flown out of the window – that can be quite painful. If care is not taken, the resulting sadness becomes your predominant thought which then chains you to the viewpoint of victimhood.
Disappointment would stop you from soaring because your perception would be one of disadvantage and helplessness. That could not be further from the truth. No matter how challenging things might be at present, there are always opportunities for positive experiences but only if you are prepared to seek them out. Rather than bemoaning what you have lost, take time to focus on that you have or can gain as a result.
These can include: being more intentional about nurturing relationships that matter, reigniting dormant dreams and making more meaningful use of time. There is something powerful about dreams especially in hard times; they give you a much-needed positive focus that boosts your spirits.
These all begin with a change in thinking that chooses to celebrate the good in the midst of the bad. Before you know it, you are not simply existing, you and your loved ones are thriving within your own context.
- Community
Show me who your friends are and I will tell you what you are.
– Vladimir Lenin
You are shaped by those who are closest to you whether for good or for bad. No human being is wired to function properly in total isolation. Communities therefore matter. When cancer hits, it becomes glaring who you have in your corner and what they are made of. If you are only surrounded by people with a victim mindset, it would be nearly impossible for you not to be the same way.
It is crucial for you to take inventory of those closest to you and how you feel after speaking to or being with them. If they encourage self-pity or shut down your efforts to be positive, you might want to find a community that serves you better. Let’s be very clear, being positive does not equate to being in denial.
Surround yourself with victors who would support your dreams but also love you enough to correct you when required. Soaring after cancer is a courageous act but not a foolhardy one. You need people around you who understand the difference between the two and are willing to walk with you on that journey.
Ultimately, you have to accept that soaring after cancer is possible and that you want it for yourself.
I can assure you that having worn the various shoes of both patient and loved one; it is the best gift you can give yourself.
Get yourself in position, a thriving future awaits.
by Bami | Aug 19, 2020 | Uncategorized
Let’s face it, life after cancer diagnosis is a seismic shift of massive proportions whether you are the patient or a loved one. I should know given that this has been part of my life for the past 3 decades.
Anyone affected would agree that life after the shock is never the same.
I call it the new normal which I define as : “a change in outlook, perspective and day-to-day living that trauma brings”
The thought of living a truly fulfilling life might seem like an insurmountable mountain but I can assure you that it isn’t. It isn’t a walk in the park. However, not only is it achievable, it is totally worth it. If you are discontented with any part of your life in this post-cancer new normal, you don’t have to grin and bear it.
Imagine that there’s a mountain between where you currently are and where you want to be. You have two choices: remain where you are or proceed on the path ahead of you.
Mountain climb by Matt Gross, Unsplash
I believe you’re reading this because you have chosen the latter. This is a journey that you have never been on before so it is wise to seek guidance so that the journey doesn’t eat you alive. Even if you haven’t realised it yet, you have what it takes to climb the mountain in front of you and reach the summit which is to thrive in every way.
I know this because in my post-diagnosis new normal, I am living life to the full. It is a choice that I make daily; it doesn’t happen by magic. Meeting challenge after challenge; I keep climbing the mountains ahead of me in spite of the pain and difficulties on the way. Once I have overcome a challenge, I know that I can do that again should the same issue arise in future.
You have to believe that the life of your dreams is possible even though cancer has disrupted a lot of things. Trying to hold on to what used to be is not only unrealistic, it is a recipe for disappointment. You and your loved ones are different, but a fulfilling future awaits if you are ready to put in the work.
It is true that some people around you may not understand or even try to discourage you.
“The ones who climb the mountains don’t wait for permission. They just start walking.” Trinity Bourne
If you are waiting for someone to give you permission to be the hero in your own story, that will be an endless wait. Today, as you are reading this, unchain yourself from whatever has kept you stuck. Reaching the mountain summit becomes a reality only if you keep climbing and don’t give up.
Here are three pointers that will help as you climb with the expectation of reaching the top. Whether you are a patient, ex-patient or loved one, these are tips you can put into practice from this very moment.
- Believe in yourself
If you speak to any mountaineer who has scaled incredible heights, they will tell you that the first battle to be won is within. They have to believe that they have what it takes otherwise they are already defeated before the first step is taken. In the same vein, believe that you can overcome the challenges ahead of you and you will come out stronger for having gone through the experience.
Whether you’re dealing with the lasting side effects of treatment, the pain of watching a loved one in pain or loss; you are capable of more than you think.
If you don’t believe in yourself, you will self-sabotage. Whilst it is good to be aware of your weaknesses, dwelling on them won’t get you anywhere. You have to be prepared to acknowledge and own your strengths in order to get ahead.
It doesn’t matter how many people tell you what you are or aren’t; what matters is what you believe about yourself. You couldn’t have come this far in life without facing challenges – big or small. What are those qualities that stood you in good stead those times? Don’t reinvent the wheel. Start with those.
- Prepare for stumbling or falling
Not quite what you were expecting from an inspirational post? Stick with me.
Anyone who tells you that reaching mountain summits is easy, is lying to you. Life in general isn’t always smooth-sailing. Just ask the richest people in the world – if they are honest, they will tell you of the challenges they have faced and are still facing.
No-one is immune from making mistakes or falling flat out on their faces. By their very nature, mountains don’t come with easy steps neither do adverse circumstances include manuals for perfect journeys.
Many people fall on this point because they feel that falling or stumbling makes them failures. These can even be compounded by the negative opinions of others. Let me make it clear to you: falling doesn’t make you a failure.
For example, when I started walking after my diagnosis, initially I made good progress and then I had a bad fall. That set me back a few weeks and I had to push through the mental block that I had failed. When I resumed, it felt like I was starting all over again and I was discouraged. Fortunately, I had a supportive community around me who encouraged me to keep going.
Don’t allow your setbacks to define you. Dust yourself off and keep going. If it means you have to change track, don’t let your pride get in the way. Do what is necessary to keep making progress.
- Pay attention to the lessons of the climb
“The lessons of the climb are as important as reaching the mountain summit. Those you don’t take on board today, you may have to relearn at great cost tomorrow.” Bamidele Adenipekun
Difficulties by their nature are great teachers. The sad reality though is that a lot of people are so focused on the surmounting challenges that they totally miss the lessons of the process. There are two types of lessons that are crucial to pay attention to – the internal and the external lessons.
Internal lessons are the things that are revealed about you. If you think of the cancer journey as a refining process; you know that it shows the good and the bad. In the same way as precious metal is dealt with, ditch the bad and keep the treasure. Learning this lesson ensures that in future you don’t make the same mistakes.
External lessons have to do with the kind of people surrounding you. When life is brilliant and you’re riding on a high; a lot of people want to be associated with you. The converse is true when your life is turned upside down by challenges. It is said that in times of trial, you know who your true friends are. By now you will know how true that is.
The sad reality with cancer is that often those you expect to be there are nowhere to be found and those you least expect become pillars of strength as well as truth-tellers. Only you can determine who around you can be relied upon.
No man is an island. The people you closely associate with will have an impact on your quest to overcome life’s challenges. Choose wisely. Be okay with the fact that this is a continuous learning process.
Keep going.
You’ve got this.
by Bami | May 5, 2020 | Uncategorized
Deep within every human being is the desire to soar above the battles of life. In other words, each person wants to live a victorious life regardless of the challenges they face. Difficult seasons be they long or short can be so intense that you want to run away or avoid the pain as much as you possibly can. In the case of this Covid-19 pandemic, there is no escaping the disruption and impact on our daily existence.
The expectation that life will go back to what it used to be isn’t just unrealistic. It is a recipe for disappointment. Life as we all know it has changed.
This is the new normal.
You might be wondering why momentum matters with so much uncertainty ahead.
Given the changes that you have already experienced, it is crucial to remember that time doesn’t stand still whether you are in lockdown or not. The clock is always ticking as long as you are alive. Whilst there are things outside of your control, why not focus on what you can actually take charge of right now.
By this I mean your attitude and actions. The two go together hand in hand.
There is no doubt that at some point over the last couple of months, you have felt battered in some way be it personally or indirectly through the impact of Covid-19.
In order to build momentum, it is necessary to strengthen your wings that have taken a hit in this season. Ironically, difficult seasons provide the best opportunities to do just that in readiness for you to soar. You’re probably wondering what I’m on about and whether I have any idea how dire your situation has been.
The truth is, I don’t know what it’s like to walk in your shoes. I do however know that, there is still a very small part of your heart that is reserved for soaring in order to fulfil some long-buried dreams.
You might not have any control over what life throws at you but you get to choose how you go through the journey. This is a not-to-be-missed opportunity of a lifetime if only you can embrace hope.
I have a few tips on how you can strengthen your wings right where you are
- Embrace the struggles and the pain
The daily grind of challenges often come with struggles and pain that you want to do your best to avoid or minimise. In terms of physical pain, there might be remedies or strategies that you have to take on board which goes against the grain as far as you are concerned.
Rather than protesting and chaffing at the hands that you have been dealt; do what is needful so that you can re-build your stamina as much as is feasible within your situation.
An example of this might be having to spend weeks or months resting when previously you are used to being constantly active. It is interesting that people who are super-productive often make the worst patients.
With respect to emotional and psychological pain; it is easier to put on a mask, pretending that things are progressing as they should. If you are like most, the outpouring of emotion and distress feels very uncomfortable.
Male or female, young or old, suppressing emotional pain only leads to more problems that will eventually trip you up when you least expect it. Don’t buy into the lie that the length of your recovery must follow a textbook pattern and time frame. Be honest with yourself and those around you.
PLEASE ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT!
It is a sign of strength not a weakness.
- Maintain a pleasant and grateful attitude
It can be challenging to maintain a good disposition at this time. Right now around you, it might seem that it doesn’t just rain, it pours. As much as possible though, it is important not to harbour resentment, bitterness, unrelenting anger or envy. Otherwise, the negative feelings within you become a poison that spreads toxicity around you.
Even though it might seem that your pain is unrelenting especially in the case of losing loved ones. It is important that even in grief, you hold on to the precious memories of the deceased. In that way, you can be grateful that you had the gift of those treasures that are now yours for keeps.
It is important to express your feelings but not be ruled by them. This is not something that can be achieved speedily or by magic. You have to be intentional about it. You might find it useful to have truth-tellers who love you around to be like your mirror from time to time.
- Encourage or help someone else
No matter what has happened to you or what you’re currently going through; you can help or encourage someone else. You probably wonder whether this tip has any basis in reality as you view yourself needing help and support at present.
Don’t belittle the lessons of your tough seasons be they present or in the past. On reflection, there are things that you might be able to teach someone or ways that you can encourage because of where you have been.
Helping or encouraging others does not have to be complicated. It can be as simple as picking up the phone to call or text someone to share strengthening experiences. In these days of social distancing, that can be a lifeline to the recipient. When you decide to serve others during your own trials; it has the effect of temporarily shifting your gaze from your own troubles. That in turn gives you a breather in the middle of your own journey – strength for tomorrow.
Note of caution: I am not suggesting that you neglect looking after yourself or take on board more than what you know you can handle. You know what your personal limits are. You also need to be wise regarding the kind of person you choose to have around you.
Don’t wait around while life is passing you by.
Be inspired to soar.
by Bami | Apr 25, 2020 | Uncategorized
Originally published on Thrive Global 29th March 2020
Between the year 2019 and 2020, a disrupting force assailed the globe with ferocious intensity that blindsided even the rich nations of the world.
It came in the form of a virus named COVID-19 which swept through nations in an unprecedented way.
Of course none of the above is news to anyone as we are all living through the devastation of this unwanted marauder. Life as we know it will never be the same again. The way business is conducted; international travel; family relations and social interactions – all these and more will undergo a metamorphosis that none could have predicted.
In 2017, I wrote a book with an eerily similar title so let me offer some hope for these uncertain times.
I defined a new normal as “a change in outlook, perspective and day-to-day living that trauma brings”.
In the journey of life, you chart your course and proceed with a destination in mind. Trauma in the form of COVID-19 has now thrown you off course.
No matter which part of the world you live in, this is a new normal. It is messy, frightening, confusing, upsetting and frustrating. Whilst it is very important to acknowledge and deal with the attendant feelings; don’t allow the tidal wave of emotions to consume or knock you down.
In my book, I offer a 7-step framework which is a practical tool box to get you from merely existing to thriving.
It is a process not a one-off event.
The first step is Realism which I define as “acceptance without despair”.
This is what this looks like in practice.
1. Ditch resentment
With everything that’s changed in your life at this season be it reduction in or loss of income, inability to see loved ones in person, restrictions, cancelled events and so on, it is understandable to get mad. In fact, it is necessary for you to get the anger off your chest. What isn’t healthy though is to harbour resentment and bitterness as these will cloud your judgement.
Easier said than done, but you need your wits about you at this time.
2. Isolate but don’t be distant
One of the most effective ways we have been told to slow the spread of this virus is staying home. For some this can be extremely difficult as no one is meant to go through life alone.
Please don’t let pride stop you from picking up the phone to connect with a community whatever that looks like.
Especially on days that you are feeling low, speak to someone about how you are feeling. There is no shame nor guilt is asking for help – indeed it is a sign of strength.
For those with vulnerable relatives or neighbours, please don’t assume they are okay.
Pick up the phone and check up on them. Offer practical help wrapped in dignity.
3. Be present
When times are hard, it is tempting to choose disengagement either by living in the past or daydreaming about the future. Neither of those states are helpful as there are things you need to attend to in the present. Whether that involves looking after yourself or others, be determined to show up every day.
In this regard, routines are great. For example, going for a walk, having a shower, putting on clothes and personal grooming – these are a good start.
4. Don’t avoid difficult tasks
Whether this involves speaking to your creditors, starting or completing projects that you have avoided, give yourself a pep talk or watch a motivational video. Then get cracking.
Remember that there is a future you have to prepare for – after COVID-19 has become more manageable. Your actions today will determine what that will look like.
5. Be gracious to yourself and others
Without a doubt, these are testing times. As such, tempers will be frayed and emotions will run high. Under those circumstances, anger and intolerance can be directed towards self as well as others. Please don’t do it.
When you’re not in control of your emotions, take five minutes or more to calm yourself down. Whilst in that pause, speak positively to and about yourself. For example, you can say things like: “I have self-control and I am strong; I am patient and wise”.
Tailor what you say to the situation at hand.
The time out and self-talk will shift your perspective as well as diffuse tension. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Resolve to do better when you know better.
Stay safe and treasure your loved ones while you have them.
This time will pass into history.
Live well.
